Bad Dining: Costco
by The Editor
We avoided Brand Depot for the entirety of its existence. The idea of trekking out to the airport to shop in substandard outlets simply appalled us but, to be honest, the thought of heading to Costco with its clientele of tracksuit-wearing, wagon-driving bogans buying 50-packs of toilet paper seemed even worse. Having dipped our toes in the water at Frank and Beans a week earlier, we were truly afraid of what it might mean to dine at the American wholesaler.
Arriving on a Saturday was our first mistake. It was so busy in the carpark we felt as though we were walking all the way from the Qantas Club back to the entrance to Costco. A constant stream of trolleys as wide as the people pushing them made their way in and out of the venue. There was simply no option other than to join the slow crawl into the belly of the beast. Avoiding a stack of some 500 snow jackets immediately within the entrance, we headed quickly for the checkouts only to emerge on the other side near the ‘cafe’.
The first thing that struck us was the collection of picnic tables, perhaps twenty in all, that dotted their way along the wall between the cashier and the tyre shop (yes, you read that correctly). Some even had a picnic umbrella, perhaps to protect customers from the electric lighting some 50 feet above their head. The whole area was packed – barely a single seat at a single table appeared available. This was frightening stuff.
Approaching the counter a man wearing gloves, a face mask and a high-visibility jacket took the order. It was easy to get the feeling we were operating in the nuclear power plant from The Simpsons. Forget the sumptuous, sensual cooking featured on television shows such as Masterchef or MKR, this was simply functional cooking with food produced at the greatest speed with the lowest cost and minimal risk.
We gabbed a hotdog (with a accompanying large cup of Coke) and a Bulgogi – a type of Korean Chicko Roll, although made with barbeque beef. Total cost: $7.48
The hotdog was presented wrapped in foil and without delay, but we would have to wait momentarily for the bulgogi. When it appeared, presented on a crappy paper plate from the 1970s by a kitchenhand who appeared suddenly at a dispatch window, we looked at it without any sense of excitement. At least Chicko Rolls come in a colourful wrapper. Sighing, we retreated to a spot on a park bench stopping only to fill our paper cup with post-mix cola.
Every spot we could possibly find was filthy. Resigning to the fact we would have to tidy out own dining space we sat among the jumbo trollies and screaming kids to eat. The batter of the bulgogi ($4.99) was tastless, however the beef was heavily sauced with some sort of interprestation of gravy. The spring onions lifted the dish as best it could, but couldn’t fight past all the oil in the batter. The strangest part of the experience was simply the fact it was on the menu at all.
Not so much the hotdog ($2.49), as it stood proudly between contemporaries such as pizza and sundaes. Given the price our expectations were exceptionally low, but even we were unprepared for the simple tepid frankfurt nestled in an unbuttered bun. As it turns out there was a condiment station nearby where one could add all manner of multicoloured sauces (and onion) in order to bring some form of moisture to the table. It was sweet relief to our tiring jaws.
There really isn’t much more we can offer on the experience. Put simply, don’t do it. Ever. This was a truly horrible meal that made our lunch at Ikea feel like a trip to Noma. Fortunately, four days after the event, we are presenting no noticeable ongoing symptoms. If we fail to post again before the weekend, call the police and a doctor, but not in that order.
Have you been unfortunate enough to eat at Costco, or even found some ridiculous bulk product at a price you couldn’t resist? We’d love to hear of your highs and lows. No doubt there are many!
Oh get over yourselves. It’s Costco for god sake. What did you expect?
You’re welcome!
He he, well written.
You guys have missed the true spirit of Costco, i feel you need to return but this time with a different view. Embrace the trash, get a big trolley, fill it with bulk goods, including toilet paper, grab a packet of buffalo wings from the deli and eat them while pushing your oversized trolley through the oversized aisles past the oversized people and know you are participating in everything that is wrong with American culture……
And on another note….. We got all our toilets and tap ware from Costco, the funnies were $45 each and the taps $15 I reckon we saved a few k, suckdin southern p,umbing!!!!
being classist and nasty doesn’t make you clever, it just makes you a bitch.
Maybe so. But rubbing polish on a turd doesn’t make it semi precious, Gen! I’ve always thought Costco was best left in the “avoid contact” category. This confirms my suspicions. Shopping is awful enough already! Thanks for taking one for the rest of us Canberrans!
I agree with Gen…the first para of this article turned me off! Canberrans with that elitist attitude is what ruins Canberra – Costco I can live with.
I’m still trying to work out the clientele, based on the goods on offer…if I save $3 by purchasing the bulk toilet paper I can then afford the $70,000 diamond bracelet…what the?
Seeing Costco for its front-of-the-store food is not altogether wrong, but this article really misses the broader point. Coscto doesn’t rip people off, and it pays really well and sources in Australia as much as the big Coles and others do. It has an an excellent selection of wine, food, cookware, and the like, and it is always the best price.
I always buy wine at Costco. Costco has probably the most well-selected and lowest priced foreign wine selection in Australia. It’s not a huge selection, but it’s tasteful and hits all the best. Who else has three Châteauneuf-du-Pape selections for under $40, a Barolo for under $20, an Amarone for under $30, and a Brunello di Montalcino for around $40? The Flurey, Morgon, Bordeaux and other French goodies are well priced and selected. And they have some good California wines and the odd South Africa. Canberra otherwise lacks a wine store that isn’t overpriced or only focused on Australian wines. We should be happy to have Costco.
The meats (such as Waygu beef) are excellent and well priced, and the sea food is good, especially if you want wild salmon (not found elsewhere in Canberra) from the northern Pacific. Good wild caught Scallops are there.
If you have good taste in wine and want good food at a good price, then Costco is your place. And oh yes, if you want to save $30 on toilet paper for the year, it’s your place too.
There’s no need to mock Coscto. It is as easy to point the finger the other way: we can’t always overpay for bistros that, though sometimes (but by no means always) good, are crowded, loud, and often a bit pretentious.
All you naysayers, tell me which part of this narrative isn’t true!
[…] we’re not one to turn our noses up at this completely. In fact, if our reviews of both Costco and Ikea’s food experiences remain consistent, it may paint a strong reminder of just how […]
What a try hard! And what is so special about you, other than your appalling spelling and abysmal attempt at humour. Are you that insecure about yourself that you feel the need to put other people down? What a sad and lonely existence you must have. If only you knew that most people arent impressed in the slightest by arrogant, pretentious people like you, especially when it is so obvious that you are trying so hard to be relevant. Talk about desperate!