Rant: The Nespresso Store
by The Editor
Well, God knows we’ve tried to avoid it, but a few days ago conceded it was perhaps time to visit the Nespresso Store, newly opened in The Canberra Centre.
This was, for us, an act of treachery. For months we have roamed the city searching for the best coffee to find ourselves occasionally disappointed but on most occasions pleased. To walk into the multinational’s top tier showroom was going to take a lot of inner strength – we could only imagine what our local barrister would say if he’d spied us hovering hesitantly at the entry of the store armed with dodgy camera phones. Think about it. This is the company that makes Blend 43.
So, what did we find? To be honest, the first impression was of a caffeinated version of The Apple Store (as if that was necessary). While the mood is definitely more sombre one certainly gets the feeling you could be in any Nespresso store anywhere in the world save for the view out the window. The layout is the same, the displays are the same and the coffee is the same.
As we walking through the door there is a race between two attendees to see who can get to us first. Both are dressed smartly in long black uniforms (see what we did there?) and match the muted tones of the interior. The gentleman hesitates for no more than the briefest of moments, and therefore allows ‘Kathy’ to capture our attention. “Good afternoon,” she says politely, ”and welcome to Nespresso” and with that we acquiesce completely and enter the mothership.
It’s an extraordinary scene. The store appears to decorated by a single product: Nespresso pods. Whether in their little foil containers or collected together in boxes, they are absolutely everywhere. They’re embedded in the walls are exposed in the counters. On some occasions they serve a purpose, to be sold or to instruct customers of the various flavours and styles of the coffee within. At other times they are simply decorative, creative rainbow splashes of colour throughout the dark interior.
The bonus for all those who are scared or too proud to enter is there is a no-cost benefit to crossing the threshold. Without even having to ask, the ninja-like employees will push upon you a shot of Nespresso, served in a ceramic cup with or without milk or sugar – completely to your liking – without batting an eyelid. All that remains is for you to swallow the remains of your pride before the contents of the cup.
Where this gets tricky is the option overload that can easily lead to paralysis of choice. There are, according to the Nespresso website, 16 variations of pod available from the store. Even the range of decaffeinated coffee is extraordinary especially considering the presence of even one variety is enough to realise a sneer from discerning drinkers.
Kathy informs us the coffee comes from all around the world and, while some varieties come from one country only, multiple growers supply the beans that are combined to create a consistent flavour across every pod in every store in every bloody country in the entire bloody world. Apparently Nescafe themselves get involved with some growers to ensure quality and shore up supply, but all we could think of was farmers arranged in the same way Foxconn workers assemble iPhones. It all felt a bit uncomfortable, and we were sure to jot it down in our Notes app.
After a shot of Rosabaya de Colombia (please understand how hard it was to type that) we decided to beat a hasty retreat out of the store to purge our minds and tastebuds of multinational convenience ‘espresso’ and go to make fun of the people lining up for Subway. Unfortunately, with the exit in sight, we were halted by the ultimate horror: We checked it twice to make sure what we were looking was, well… a thing.
Sure enough it was. There, in the centre of the room was among other flavours, were the Terre d’Arabica coffee scented candles. Nespresso candles! WTF!!! This is simply too much – or perhaps it’s the Rosabaya hitting the receptors. Regardless we make a mad and terrified dash for the street – lest Kathy wheels out a trolley full of Nespresso bath bombs.
The Canberran: “A snobby (though tongue-in-cheek) examination of the finer sides of the National Capital”. Well, before getting carried away with how snobbish you think you are, maybe a quick editorial check of your articles would be useful. Honestly, this blog is just hopeless. The tone set by your articles (no better example than the present Nespresso ‘rant’) is overly annoying and wannabe rather than “snobby (though tongue in cheek)”.
Totally agree. What a self righteous and pompous pair you make. Get over yourselves!
Yet you continue to read it.
At least bath bombs could be put to use in the fountain outside. Prime street frontage there.
I confess this Rant made me laugh out loud. It encapsulates (see what I did?) a lot about the chip on Canberra’s shoulder. We’re in the big league now because we have an Apple Store, a Nespresso store, and a plague of mothball encrusted hipsters descended upon Braddon. All that’s missing is IKEA.
I can only hope there are more indignant comments added – that would be gold (Nescafe Gold).
An IKEA in Canberra would be great! And Zara. Then we’d know we made it!
Also I love Nespresso – it is so effing convenient!
Well if we all were to associate every company with its lowest common denominator we would also be comparing a Bugatti Veyron to a SEAT 600 or even Dawsons Creek to The Dark Knight – so I think some perspective is needed.
And excuse me if I don’t have the time in the morning to get the perfect grind of my single origin, backyard roasted beans that have once passed through a small marsupial, tamp it down and then froth my unpasteurised milk from Daisy the cow to 63.7 degrees – some of us don’t have the time nor patience first thing. And why would I want to put all your mates at Lonsdale St Roasters out of a job.
We all know it’s not perfect, it’s not what you would pay $4 everyday but as reliable source that much needed first hit – and after all it’s probably on par with Silo going on your previous review.
And just to cap it off, is it not better to have some attention from the staff than none at all as is the far too common case your DJs and Myer. And I suggest that might be something worth ‘ranting’ about.
Thank goodness there are some other people who see the crap published on this website for the crap it is. Really, if your “barista” was going to hold you up for trying out some Nespresso, then better get you “barrister” on the case! If the writers/editors of The Canberran bothered to do some research before denouncing sampling some Nespresso coffee, have a look at Heston Blumenthal’s restaurants in the UK who serve Nespresso after his stunning meals. Seriously.
The Canberran, get over your own perception of self.
To other readers of Simon’s ilk, us other readers who mock this post do so because it is pure utter wankerism. I would rather a Canberra with a Myer, a David Jones, an Apple Store, an Aldi, a Dick Smith, and a soon-to-arrive Zara than your own better-than-thou attitude, as displayed by The Canberran in this post.
Here’s to the hopeful arrival of IKEA and a love of Nespresso!
And you’re still here! The Canberran, I think you have a fan!
Barrister? Ok…
Canberra’s getting its own Zara?
I love the self righteous Nespresso owners!
Bravo to The Canberran for putting forward an opinion, and not just pandering to its readers. Obviously, it is written in a tongue in cheek manner which makes it more interesting to read. If you don’t like it, read something else!
Nespresso is convenient and certainly a cut above instant coffee. The machines often look very nice, I think the Citiz in particular is an excellent piece of modern design. However if you want seriously good coffee (ref: CoffeeSnobs), you need 1. fresh beans – roasted within 2-3 weeks and 2. a good burr grinder. This in combination with a plunger will give you better coffee than a Nespresso will ever achieve, though it is more work and a bit messier. A stovetop moka pot or domestic espresso machine is the icing on the cake but these are optional and require more effort to use well.
I am glad with the disclaimer at the beginning. I first thought you were serious, but then I had to remind myself that this was a satiric blog. I live in the USA and grew up in Costa Rica. Having grown up drinking very good coffee, and now living n a country where getting a decent cup of coffee is a challenge it was wonderful to get a Nespresso machine.
I especially like your description of the store as “a caffeinated version of The Apple Store”, that is what I have described these locales for years. I do find it interesting that you describe them as pushing a cup of coffee on you, but I guess that is part of the tongue in cheek part of your writting style.